One of the things that I always get a kick out of is when someone is considering moving to Panama, Costa Rica or some other place like it, and seem to be looking for the same thing, a tropic isle type of paradise that they saw in some movie or travel brochure.  They go to great lengths to explain that they don't want to live with a bunch of other gringos or in some gated community, but rather, want to live in some small village and integrate with the simple people of the pueblos, growing their own organic vegetables and fruits and chickens.  In a nutshell, they want to live 'the simple life'.   They envision a place of peace and plenty where the natives are happy and content and waiting for their arrival with open arms.  Of course they expect to be a very positive addition to the community, being a gringo and all with skills and knowledge that the natives don't possess, expecting to be treated with great respect due to their exalted station in life.  Unfortunately those skills and that knowledge don't always lend themselves to living in a somewhat primitive environment.  And when they get a real hunger for a ham on rye or lox and bagels, it starts to get a little frustrating and only gets worse.  There's an old song: 'How you going to keep them down on the farm once they've seen gay Paree'.

The driving force behind this is to escape from that terrible place they now live, be it the USA, Europe or wherever.  They have become disillusioned by modern society and are no longer able to cope with the complexities that that society has fostered and seek a more simple, uncomplicated way of life.  What they overlook is that if they are unable to function in a society in which they were raised from childhood, how do they expect to adjust to a culture which is totally foreign to them and for which they have no experience whatsoever.  The problems that they face in their present society is not so much the problems of that society, but rather, problems within themselves.  They will carry their baggage with them, wherever they go.

The first problem they face is that of the language and cultural differences.  Toto, this isn't Kansas any more.  While gringos tend to live to work, Latinos tend to work to live.  This is a cultural difference that is almost impossible to overcome and is the basis of the "Manana" syndrome that seems to drive so many gringos nuts.  No matter how 'kick back' they may be, a lifetime of being punctual is a hard thing to set aside.  When it's 8:30 and the friends they to invited to dinner at 7:00 haven't shown up they get a little edgy.  And when their guests do show up they discover that they've brought the whole family.   They can forget about their time table in accomplishing anything, it isn't going to happen.  And while they expect a certain level of quality in anything that they want to have made, that too will fall far short of their expectation.  In the US or Europe, if they buy something at a store and it doesn't work right, they merely return it for a refund or exchange it for one that does.  Forget about the refund and be aware that if they do exchange it, it may be for one which someone else returned because it didn't work either.  From these experiences they start to develop an 'attitude' that maybe things aren't so great in paradise.

Now the language difference is a whole different can of worms.  They've spent a couple of months glancing through a Spanish/English dictionary and think that they can get by.  They've also heard that everyone learns English in school.  While it is true that in most countries in Latin America they speak English in school, it ain't anything like you've heard before, it's all pronounced with a Spanish accent which makes it totally unrecognizable.  They all know how to say `Good morning, teacher'  and count to ten in passable English.  They should, they've been learning the same damn phrases every year since grade one.  If the teachers can't speak the language, how do they expect the children to speak it?   And then once you have learned some words you have to learn how to use them.  Instead of saying `I am 50 years old' they say `I have 50 years' to which I want to respond `of doing what?'  The best way to learn to speak Spanish is to get a couple of bottles of rum and spend an evening getting good and drunk with some of the locals.  While the level of conversation may not in reality improve, it sure does seem like it and a good time will be had by all.

Insofar as being treated as an equal, they soon discover that 'gringo' is only half of a word, the total word is 'gringorico'.  No matter how much they protest that they are not rich, having only $1,500 a month to retire on, that is a small fortune to someone who only makes $300 a month or less.  They soon learn that they are the one who is expected to pay for the beer or coffee whenever they get together with some of their local friends.  And that the 'prestamo' (loan) that they made to a friend is considered to be a 'regalo' (gift) which is never intended to be repaid.  

The most common phrase you will hear is 'no hay' (don't have) and the most seldom phrase that you won't hear is 'no se' (I don't know).  Inventory control is an unknown activity.  After all if they have sold all of their chocolate ice cream you will be satisfied with strawberry.  There seems to be a great difficulty in admitting that they don't know something and therefore they will give you an answer, even if it is wrong.  That gets a little tiresome after you have walked a mile following their directions to the farmacia only to find out that the information was wrong and they just didn't know, but didn't want to lose face by admitting it.  After having this happen a few times, they may want to tear someone's head off.

Well anyway, that's just a few musings from an old gringo fart, who lived most of those experiences himself, while he sits on his balcony looking at the beautiful panorama of the mountains and valleys of Santuario, Colombia.